My Zombie Apocalypse Plan

It used to be that only preppers and people with a high level of government clearance had the foresight to create a plan for the end of the world. But these days any halfway intelligent person needs to have some kind of plan, and as I’ve always aspired to be at least a half way intelligent person, I decided to hash one out.

Look at the evidence. Global viral infections are a yearly event, tsunamis and earth quakes are now common occurrences. If you’re still waiting for a sign that the end is nigh, you might as well stand out in traffic in a tin foil hat telling people we’re going to be okay, because nobody will take you seriously.

And to me it seems only a matter of time before one of these freaky global viruses mutates sufficiently to actually reanimate dead flesh and put its host in a permanent state of annoyance. Ergo; we need to develop a strategy for the impeding zombie apocalypse.

Now, you may ask why I would go through the trouble of creating my own strategy when there are so many existing strategies to be found on the net. A quick search will tell you the best weapons, the best foods, the best way to prep. However, I feel that none of these plans take into account the real hardships people will have to face. So I spent some time looking at all the possible angles and came up with what I believe is the most sane and most efficient Zombie apocalypse plan to date. And I believe it’s as simple as it is effective;

Basically, I intend to die in the very first wave.

That’s it. That makes the most sense to me. More sense at least than undergoing all manner of hardship only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips).

For any plan the long term survival rate is zero. Of course, it could be argued that the zombie apocalypse is the least worrying apocalypse of all. On the apocalypse scale, it’s like a flee bite. There is no real damage to the ecosystem, our infrastructure will remain intact, the power grid won’t melt down. Basically, all we need to do is wait it out. Say, a couple of weeks. Just long enough for the re-animated dead to decompose to the point where they simply fall apart and movement is no longer an option.

Sure, it’ll be annoying. Insurance rates will go through the roof. You’ll lose some slow and fat loved ones. The smell won’t be that great. It will take ages for your favorite TV shows to start up again. Marauders will raid your food stocks and trample mud into your carpet. There’ll be some broken windows too, believe me. But, ultimately, we’ll be okay. 

Still, before we get out the other end, supply lines will be disrupted and stores will run out of toothpaste, deodorant, and chap-stick.

So, for those reasons, I’m out.

Graham Parke is responsible for a number of technical publications and has recently patented a self-folding map. He has been described as both a humanitarian and a pathological liar. Convincing evidence to support either allegation has yet to be produced.

No Hope for Gomez! is his fiction debut.

Follow his blog at: www.grahamparke.blogspot.com